WHAT HE SAID.

My love life?

As you can tell by now, I have a somewhat tragic one. I have no idea why I still write about it though, because technically I’m airing my dirty laundry. It’s probably because you enjoy reading about my misery and as sadistic as that is, you’re in luck. I have plenty of that in store for you.

Between now and then, I’ve read that text hundreds of times in disbelief. I’ve always loved his eyes and I told him every chance I got. When I read what he said, I wished he’d said it to my face so I could see if he meant it in his eyes. I wished he’d called to say it so I could hear the truth in his voice. Instead, he chose to text.

TEXT?!

The same way Safaricom texts to remind you of your depleted airtime, as if you did not already know you were broke. Very rude if you ask me, might as well have sent smoke signals.

Unlike me, he would never shy away from PDA like holding hands or kissing in public. He would show me off whenever he could and always wanted me to call him by his pet name, even in public. He would refer to me as mamaa when talking to his friends and I liked it. He was the kind of guy who didn’t care if everyone else was uncomfortable when he kissed my hands or when he whispered naughty things in my ear.

And for a whole year, it was blissful…

“I’m not ready for a relationship.”

…

I’m not ready for a relationship? After a whole year?

I was in utter shock.

The free trial was over and no subscription was forthcoming. He waited a whole year to say that he wasn’t ready for such a commitment. Like I’d held a gun to his head and forced him to be with me the whole time. Made me feel like a free sample. You know, the ones you try out at the mall just because they’re free and not because you actually want them.

“I’m not emotionally available.”

As if I’d asked him to marry me and have five kids in a bungalow. Like the whole year was just him trying out a hobby which now he had decided he did not like. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t an entanglement I couldn’t let go of. He had officially asked me to be his girl after an eternity and it felt like a till death do us part moment for me. I was elated because I had been waiting like Sarah and Abraham for an Isaac.

Patience pays and love is patient.

I should have known, right?

The hesitation was such a red flag, but thanks to valentine’s day, I always assumed that red was the color of love.

“I’m sorry.” He said, as if it would fix everything.

As children we’re taught that ‘sorry’, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’’ are magic words. I doubt sorry has any magic, because it doesn’t take the pain away. Sorry, is something you say to someone when you step on their foot or spill coffee on their white blouse. It’s not something you say when you tear someone’s heart apart piece by piece.

“But I will always love you.”

The words reminded me of that Whitney Houston song and the irony made me feel worse.

He would always love me??

Yeah right, because this is a movie, and we will rekindle our love when we meet again later in life.

How cute.

He really said that he would always love me. The same way he said we’d be together forever. I should have known that ‘forever’ was three months at most.

And then he signed off the text with a ‘yours sincerely’, followed by his name.

Like it was a work email or a job application. Like he was officially ending things and he was. There was nothing sincere about it. If anything, it proved that our entire relationship had been a sham. I’m not even sure he loved me to begin with. After all, I was just a free sample. And no one loves free samples other than because they are free.

I did text back (more than once) to ask what went wrong. You know, trying to understand how I had moved from butterflies to mental trauma after one text.

Silence.

He never replied. I guess the disrespect was all the closure I needed. On that kama ako sawa niko sawa vibe.

We move regardless.

No?

After that unfortunate episode on character development, I am frankly starting to believe it when people say that men are trash. And don’t even think about coming at me with the not all men line or I’m different. I know that too well because I’ve heard it firsthand. I mean, that’s exactly WHAT HE SAID.